My best friends gone away 

My best friends gone away 

I don’t know why she couldn’t stay

I don’t know where she’s gone 

I don’t know if she’s going to say. 
I want to talk to her.

And ask her why 

She didn’t come to me 

She didn’t even try 
Why couldn’t I help you 

What should I do 

There’s a huge part of me missing 

And believe it or not it’s you. 


The waiting room 

The waiting room, what a dreary place. I’ve come to the doctors for a medication review and to see what steps I need to take next. My head just won’t be quite it just won’t stop today. 

I’m looking around me and listening and I don’t think I want to listen to this conversation much more. New born babies. Really?! We can see you have a  new baby and I don’t need to listen to your labour from twenty years ago and I certainly don’t need to know about your friends labour either! What a drag?! 

I guess this only annoys me so much because of my personal situation. Because I can’t have children, everything about children or babies seems to annoy me if I’m having a bad day. 

Today seems to be a bad day but then again I suppose it’s got to be about two weeks of bad days hence why I’m at the doctors again. The pressure of work is just killing me at the moment and I just don’t seem to stop at all. After my 2am start yesterday I just had to crash when I got home. I’m in a stage where all I want to do is sleep and I’m not functioning today.  

I know there’s a way back up to being consistent again and feeling like me again.  I just can’t see it today.

The waiting room just seems even more depressing than normal today. Maybe because one of my old bullies is in here to talking crap and pretending she’s better than she is because she’s talking to a well to do lady. It’s funny how she’s changed herself now. If she had been a bit more aware of different people back in the day maybe we would have got along, who knows. This isn’t one I’ll dwell on it’s just typical. 

So this is just my waiting room rant let me know if you’ve ever been to a happy one? 

Thanks for reading 

T x

When Endometriosis strikes back 

Hi all
So I’m not sure if I’ve said before but along with the infertility, I also have a condition called endometriosis or ‘endo’. This is a common hidden disease , it effects 1 in 10 women especially around their cycle time.
There is no cure for this disease, which means the same old thing will continue to happen. It can be eased by medication but nothing ever really make it go away, even after a hysterectomy there have been occasions of the build up still.
Mine was a long diagnosis and effected me in a few different ways. None of which made any sense to me. I just lived with these things even though it was a struggle I never though there would be a reason.
– Anger/Emotion – for reasons I can’t explain I used to get extremely angry if things weren’t right, I just seemed to have a really really low tolerance of things in the week before my cycle. anger was the one that got to me the most, when I threw a knife at my other half in an argument it was a good hint that something wasn’t right. I literally just felt possessed.
– Back pain – This was an absolute bugger! The pain was just always there like a dull low ache, nothing let me forget it was there completely. Before my cycle my whole back, mainly the lower, would spasm and feel really tight and restrained. It was a feeling that no matter how much I stretch and take pain relieve I know if I lie on the floor. I’m not getting back up any time soon.
– Moods – I was just unable to deliver anything consistently, one week I was up then the next I would be down. Again . these got worse prior to cycle. even when I knew it was coming I still, in that frame of mind, genuinely believed that it wasn’t me it was everyone else doing things wrong.
– Fatigue – constantly change in sleeping pattern, constantly going to sleep early or needing to nap more before my cycle. I noticed this more recently when my meds stopped.
I think because these symptoms seems to bizarre it can really be very hard to spot. For years and years my doctors treated me for different things.
-I was treated for depression and anxiety because of the way I was feeling, no one clicked on that this was linked into the timing of my cycle.
-I was treated by physiotherapy  for my Back pain- and a good old repeat prescription for ‘wehavenoideawhatswrong’ to help me through
-There was also the unexplained infertility. for this I was only taken seriously after I lost my 5th baby. My ectopic. For me I wanted to share this because if anyone out there is feeling there strange things and cant explain it… I get it.
My colleague at work was telling me all about the symptoms a few months back and they did seem similar, Jane was 48 though so at a different stage in her life. Everything she described just sounded so familiar, I remember explaining to Jane that if you has told me years ago I have this imbalance because of my hormone levels and such I may have thought you were crazy too.
Especially when I found one of the key things to help me was a contradictions, it just felt so strange. But I began taking the contraceptive pill despite never being able to conceive naturally. This just felt weird having always wanted children, the last thing I ever wanted to take was something to stop that. However given that naturally a cant conceive anyway it wasn’t an issue.
Never did I think the tablets would completely help balance my hormones, control the pain and make my cycle lighter when I did take my break. The trick was to take them back to back for 3 months to give myself and break.
Anyway the reason my endo has come back with vengeance is because for me to have my first pre ivf scan I have to go on the first day of my cycle. When I was taking the pill this was just when ever I decided to stop. However this wont give an accurate scan, as it will be however the pill decides to make my lining not how it naturally is. So I had to stop the pill to do this.
My point is I didn’t think I would slip back that easily yet I did. It can easily happen. So I’m now trying to use my mindfulness to help me through.
Just wanted to share this in case you think hang on that sounds like me. I saw Jane in town the other day and her first words to me where ‘ You know I was always having them problems? Well I have something called Endometriosis’ … Who could of predicted that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you have been effected by this invisible pain monster please feel free to share.
T x



Good Crafty Friday 

Hi All

Happy Good Friday Everyone! Today We was up bright and early. I woke around 7. I got up and ready, then I Made my other half and his friend an omelete before work. Lily arose shortly after, She came down in her new outfit that she got the previous evening and said ‘I’m ready for our day of arts and crafts”. As cute as that was seeing her all dressed up and raring to go, sleep still in the corner of her eyes, there was no way I was going to let her paint in brand new clothes! Arts and craft lasted for about 1 hour and 30, she got a little restless after this though!!

1- Easter Finger Print Cards

We saw these on Pinterest before and thought why not? How cute and easy are these! All you need is yellow paint and a couple of sharpies – 1 orange and 1 black. I must admit I didn’t have orange sharpie so used paint and a not so thin brush for the beaks. I also used an old eyeliner for the feet and eyes too.

2- Painted glitter Pom Pom Easter rabbit sign!

I do love hobby craft! They have some really cool things to paint yourself. We decide to add bright colours and a googly eye to add a bit extra to our funny bunny! This will be perfect for our porch when nanny comes for dinner on Sunday!

3- Random Paint blowing! This was just a bit of fun. We decided to put blobs of paint onto a piece of card and then blow them with a straw. When the coloured started to connect we decided to make two small cards and use this as our background.

None of these bits take much effort. For me the most effort was when The paint water jar was spilt all over the table! These are just a few simple easy home crafts that are great for Easter.

After this we watched Inside out which I had never seen before. It was such a good film I really enjoyed it. I did try to hold back the tears at the end! Please note this may it have the same effect on you Im just having an emotional thinking week. Doing the arts and craft and watching the film with my step daughter really did keep my mind busy. I do believe that by doing things in the present it does help us to live more in the now.

When the film finished I then made some pepper,bacon and onion egg muffins. These are so simple and a great syn treat for my current slimming world diet phase.

We then cooked chicken fajitas with lots of peppers onions and veggies. I decided to do this with cous cous because again that just adds to be being syn free!

All in all a very very busy day. I must say this evening after my nap, I felt really content! Keeping occupied is a great help sometimes and we really enjoyed our day together again.

Thanks for reading

T x

I’m sorry it’s been a while! 

Hi all

I haven’t wrote in a while, and now I’m feeling guilty, I should have let myself have that time each day to express how I feel. I think if I don’t then it can sometimes life just takes over! However I don’t want to loose myself in myself. Tomrrow is a new day and my aunt is over from Hong Kong so I’m sure there will be plenty to write about after that visit. I will start trying more to keep my blog alive. I love reading other people but sometimes can’t find the words for my own. If only the inside of my head always a dictaphone! Although I’m sure some of it needs to stay there. Anyway. I’m off for now until tomrrow

Thanks for reading


My First Banoffee Pie in 10 Steps 

Hi all

I’ve said before how I’m not very domesticated but this is such a simple recipe even I did t go wrong! I made mine in a disposable round metal tray because it’s easier to take to places for friends to try!

What you’ll need 


250g of digestive biscuits

100g of melted butter 


300ml of whipping cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 tablespoon of granulated sugar

1 teaspoon of chocolate dust

1 banana (to decorate)


4 bananas

1 tin of carnation caramel 

Step 1 – Crush your digestives in a mixing bowl, I used a wooden rolling pin to help me do this. A great way is to do this in a bag and smash with the rolling pin. (However me being me, I’m not that prepared and I forgot the bags…again.)

Step 2 – melt the butter either – in a small saucepan which takes generally less than a minute or the microwave again this doesn’t take long. Start with twenty second then add in ten seconds if needed. Once this is done add to the crushed biscuits and mix.

Step 3 – When you are happy that all the biscuit is covered, place into the base of your tin. Although I’m using disposable, you can also use a 20cm tin with a removable bottom. Flatten down as firmly and evenly as you can.

Step 4 – Place you base in the fridge while you chop the bananas. I used 4 and sliced then evenly at around 5mm wide. When I finished prepping the bananas I removed the base from the fridge again.

Step 5 – Place the banana slices on to the base starting from the outside working inwards. (Originally I put the caramel on first but this just made the biscuit stick to it too much)

Step 6- Add the caramel, carnation works straight from the tin! Cover the bananas evenly, add some more banana randomly and cover again. I had some banana left so just put this on top before the cream.

Step 7 -Whipping the cream. It may be simple to most but it’s something I’ve always struggled with. I put the cream into a mixing bowl with the granulated sugar and vanilla extract.

Step 8 – Whisk together for around 6 minutes. You have to do this until the cream starts to get thicker, this should hold on the whisk without running.  (This was like a full work out!)

Step 9 – Cover the top of the pie so far, with the whipped cream. For a final step simple on grated chocolate or a flake! I used cocoa powder to dust. I placed a heart template down then sprinkled around it. After I removed the template I filled he middle with a final layer of banana.

Step 10 – Chill in the fridge and …ENJOY

Digestives and icing 

‘Twas the night before Red Nose Day and

you could hear more than a mouse,

there was a noisy little girl in the house,

so we decided to bake biscuits

that were red pink and blue

They all looked so different

Just like me and you.

Hi all,

Today after school lily and I decided to decorate some biscuits. We were going to bake some ,but this way any we did wrong or didn’t like we could dispose of and not feel bad.

I remember that I used to do this in my brownies groups when I was younger. We used to use plain icing but coloured seems more fun! We used 200g of icing sugar and added 1 tablespoon of hot water then added some food colour gel, I find you get a better colour with the gel than normal colourings. When you’ve mixed all of this together simply spread onto the biscuits with the back of a spoon and decorate how you wish!

It’s really simple but is great for an easy afternoon activity. Will be good with Easter coming up to try and do some in different colours e.g. Yellow that look like 🐥 chicks.

Thanks for reading

T x.

Happy Mother’s Day to all! 

For me, I find Mother’s Day can be a little controversial. When I was younger I used to complain that there was no daughters day, there was never any malice in it thought, Just an ongoing joke. Mother’s Day was just that, a day to celebrate our mums.

As I got into my teen years I started to think about becoming a mother myself, I wondered what I’d be like as a mum,  how many children I’d have, who would play daddy. In my head every time I split up with a boyfriend I would just picture the next as daddy instead.

Now I’m in a different older and in a different position again this year. Part of me is still angry, for not being able to have children naturally, part of me just doubts what may not happen in the future. At the moment my mind is making me feel that I should be sad because today reminds me of the day my body let me down. It took away the one thing, as I woman I am supposed to be able to do. It took away my natural changes at morherhood. At first I thought this the end of things. I would never get what I want.

Now I’m slightly more optimistic because I know I have plenty of other options. There’s not high odds with the ivf but every year something new is introduced to improve chances. So for me right now I’m just going with ‘This time next year…..’

Instead of working yourself up about how the day might make you feel, just wait and see before you wind yourself up about it. It’s really hard Knowing while everyone else is lapping up being a mum, having presents and being spoilt. Youll be reminded of the one thing you want but can’t have.

It’s okay, this is normal to feel this way. What we change is how we react or feel about it. It’s not other people’s fault that we are unfortunate, it’s just the way our stories were meant to plan out. For what ever reason that may be.

Focus on your other options and dont freet about what others have. Sometimes not all is as it seems.

  • So happy Mother’s Day to mother and the amazing non mums out there who watch parent complaint every day wishing to have just that to complain about!

Thanks for reading

T x

Until you 

She’s got herself lost

Tied up in the mess

Couldn’t see clearly

Until the light came thorough

It was in that moment

She realised

She didn’t need you.

She left him there

Where he always left her

Waiting around

Head banging the wall,

Her courage got her there

To where she should be

She was happy again

Just like you or me

Then she met the new one

She would love him too

the baggage was there

But she said it didn’t matter

Not to me or you.

Maybe she should let it go,
Forget it ever happened,

maybe she should fight

For him.

In hope that this time its right

Horse racing – Cheltenham

Hi all,
This week is ‘race week’ at our local racecourse, its a really popular event and lots of people attend the first day saw excess of over 70000 people. I wanted to do a daily update but I kind of got lost in the weeks festivities. This  is one of the main racing events in the UK. The best thing about this week is the atmosphere. All the Irish come over because its their horses that race here too, everyone is mainly happy and drunk during races. Its the peak event for all trainers and jockeys everywhere with everything leading up to Fridays main race- the gold cup.
Day 1
Today was a disappointment for myself. The ground was good to soft and it was a good dry day the weather held out all day. The horses that were meant to win didn’t  (the favourites), but that’s the joy of racing .For my it was a bad day as I only came out £20 up but at least there weren’t as many injuries.
My top picks of the day
Un temps pour tout -9/1- Came 1st – this has been popular before so I thought I would back him again.
Altior – 1/4 –  Came 1st – this was the only favourite that came 1st today, others that came first weren’t the most favoured.
Apples Jade -7/2- Came 1st – new horse to me haven’t heard of this one before but I will be backing again in future.
Melon -3/1- Placed 2nd – fave horse and the fave jockey, sadly it wasn’t ruby Walsh’s day today, still a good result though – unless you didn’t go each way.
Day 2
Today was a beautiful day the sun was shinning and the weather was great. Sadly it wasn’t a day for the faves again. Some placed and did ok but only 1 favourite out of 7 races came in. This is really does show that its anyone’s game. Two years ago I remember there being 3 jockeys that dominated the festival, this time around is great to see some old jockeys and new making there headway at Cheltenham.
My top picks of the day
Neon Wolf – 2/1 – Placed 2nd – right up until the end, neon was looking very strong, however on the last hurdle he did falter, he recovered so well and came second on a photo finish.
Whisper – 9/2 – Placed 2nd – This horse has a popular trainer and I hadn’t heard of the favourite on this race before. although  the fave did win it was again a very close 2nd for whisper.
Special Tiara – 20/1 – Came 1st – this was a turn for the books I picked this based on my sister in law, her names Tara and she picks this every year and every year he’s come in the to  3. was extremely pleased with this win but cold kick myself for not putting more on.
Day 3
I cant yet give my summary of today, however the weather isn’t looking good its very overcast. However different horses like different ground and conditions so we shall see what happens from there.
My top picks of the day –
Flying angel – 16/1 – I like the jockey for this horse and the name seems significant to me.
unowhatimeanharry – 11/8 – the fave for the day, although this horse is looking strong if the last two days are anything to go by there may be not be as good a chance as it seems
Doctor Harper – 11/1 – this is my horse for the last race of the day, I think hes done well in previous years so I thought why not.
isleofhopendreams – 12/1 – again a well favoured jockey and so far this week he hasn’t had much luck.
I will update my selections later and see who comes in today- to all fellow horse racing lovers out there … Good Luck
Thanks for reading
T x