Is it Endo or is it me?!

Hi all
I know my posts are a tad sporadic, but when something’s hacked me off I feel the need to share .I’m sure this happens to many women with endometriosis and those who may yet to be diagnosed.
I had to have my annual meds review at the doctors today and I never really know what to expect. I Always think they are doing to stop my medication and leave me with nothing.
This wasn’t quite the case, I did get new medication but I don’t feel this guy understood it….which is why I have questioned is it me.
He started by asking me why I was there, which always baffles me because I have to be there to have the med review otherwise I wouldn’t need to see them if I could repeat. Especially in there because they said I had to be.
I started by saying I take my codine, pill and naproxen as and when needed but someday it still doesn’t help. I said how even after washing Up or standing for a period of time, the pressure on my lower back and tops of my shoulders is agony. My lower back is the worst, after a day at work I ache the most and then can’t sleep. I told him that I get wound up and hormonal which causes the pain to get worse and I shouldn’t if my pill controls that. I said how some days I get so low and worn out with it through not sleeping that I just wish I wasn’t there at all. He dismissed this.
He has suggested I try new pain killers and has yet again referred me to physiotherapy and exercises. I have done this years ago and I don’t think there will be any benefit to it whatsoever. It just seems like a never ending cycle of changing medication for no reason and failing to address the potential problem.
He told me from what your saying I think you shouldn’t blame it on your endometriosis, as if I was making it seem worse because of what I have. The problem with an invisible disease is that just because you cant see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
So I’m left just feeling deflated again wondering if it’s me and I’m doing something wrong or if it is all linked. I just think if the exercises and tips didn’t work last time, why are they going to now.
Anyone else got shitty doctors or problems like that that can relate…I feel you
Thanks for reading
T x

People not numbers- The joys of Endometriosis

Hi All,
This is one that medically only women can relate to the pain and discomfort caused by this invisible disease, I suspect a lot of men also have to watch their girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters and other ladies in their life go through this too. So here it goes….
Ever go to the doctors looking for help get absolutely no where and think… why do I even bother!
Some of you may know from my previous posts that I suffer with a condition called endometriosis. It’s just one of those that’s a constant niggling.
I’m not one to continually moan about it I just take pain relief and carry on however sometimes it can take it’s toll. So when the person who you are allowed to moan to about is disconcerted where do you go from there?
I called a few weeks back to request medication as I had back spasms and The Dr, let’s call her Dr.B, was ok but a little reluctant and suggested I try alternative methods such as he coil, sorry guys tmi!
I did as Dr.B suggested and booked an appointment to discuss this. I was already flustered after a hard day at work and had noticed myself being a little more inconsistent in my moods, I may have been more touchy when I got there however.. she said ok what do you want? I said I wanted to take about other methods to help the condition. Her advise was ‘I suggest you don’t forget to take the pill or you can have the coil- up to you the best suggestion is a hysterectomy but I’m guessing you’ll want kids of something one day’ now writing this it does not include the tone!
She made a passing comment about how she didn’t know how or why it happens but there are always the three myths that could explain it.. I googled his it came up with 1) your too young 2)your lying 3) you caused it. Looking back I wish I had known this at the time I can’t believe the audacity
It was as if Dr.B was totally bored, had no idea why I was there, it’s like she forgot that she had asked me to come in. I was under the impression she was going to help and discuss options but instead she was just well it’s that or that crack on! Didn’t review any medication, didn’t suggest any natural remedies and didn’t empathise in the slightest!
People like Dr.B are the reason things are missed these days. I needed to talk about how the change in hormones would effect my mood, so that I didn’t end up going back down the dark road I did before. Instead it left me thinking, who can I actually talk to when I feel low. All I had gotten was well I don’t know or how it will change until it happens.
These professionals are meant to help and support us, We rely on the Dr.B’s in this world to help us . it’s hard enough having to deal with the condition but to know how your going to feel one day to the next, or act one day to the next can be even harder.
We should be able to trust the people in our doctors surgery’s to help us but instead they just push you away instead. For 10 years I have been out at the bottom of the pile, for 9 years They were unable to diagnose me and when they do it’s still not enough to get help!and dismissed by this surgery but who’s actually going to listen to my complaint! They make it impossible to do!
So …here I am having a rant and filling you in on why doctors need to treat patients as people not numbers!
Thanks for reading
T x

See Me, Hear Me, I am not my PTSD

Beautifully addressed


The other day, my son checked in with me again to understand the difference between my brain getting overwhelmed when shopping and my brain getting overwhelmed while working. He wanted to know if when shopping,  I recover after a couple hours. He understands that if I push it while working, it can take me out of the game for a whole day. I appreciated he asking me because anything that takes the elephant out of the room is wonderful. But, I also understood that he asked me because I became so overwhelmed at the grocery store when we were shopping together, that he was concerned that my plans would be affected later that day.  I’m grateful for his concern and his honest question because he understands how my life is impacted by my symptoms. I felt both seen and heard.

When I describe myself I don’t use adjectives that describe…

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Good days vs bad days- infertility

Today I’m having a bad day. For months, it seems I can play pretend and muddle through. Some days, it’s not a problem at all but after trigger, after trigger, after trigger I just run myself down.
The last few months there have been three events where the devil has sat on my shoulder mainly shouting bitch and turning my eyes green.
The first was when I saw a post from a friend who has just had a baby early, she had had problems before but now her little boy is here, And all I think is that’s one more person who has the luck I don’t.
The second, another friend had her baby a few months back, she managed to just fall into the perfect family situation after 8 weeks with her new chap.
The third was my colleague, she’s been quite sick and had a lot of time off. She only started two months ago and she’s 3 months pregnant. Again not even been with her partner a year and bam…it really is as easy as lying on your back for some people. And while she’s mopping feeling sorry for herself, I want to shake her and say do you realise how many people would kill to have morning sickness!
Anyway, with all of the above, I found that I had to talk myself into being happy for them . That’s not normal right??
Im guessing this all links back into the amount of people, my age, having babies it’s left me with a decision and funny feeling (the only way I can describe this)
Do I need to freeze my eggs before they get to old?
How old is too old? I know this sounds strange as I’m only 27 but if times the one thing I’ve got…do I leave it to chance??
Will my eggs will be as good quality in three years (I’ve decided to go ivf when I’m 30)
Will it even work and what’s my plan b for if it doesn’t?
My question to anyone out there who is also cursed by this… when does it stop or will I always be silently bitter?
Thanks for reading my rant
T x

The crash

Evening all,

I’m writing to you from a strange place at the moment.

It all started last night, and now I just can’t switch off. I came home from work a bit later than usual, I did a few emails when I got back, then I went to get I. The bath. This wasn’t my usual routine so the day felt strange anyway.

What happened next is what’s stuck to me. My partner was stood on the landing looking out the window, we were just talking and having a cuppa, next thing I hear that familiar crunching of metal. We looked outside and a car had a motor cyclist under it.

We ran outside and I rang the ambulance, while shouting for everyone to help move the car, the neighbours and bystanders helped lift the car to enable the boy to be removed. The First Lady there was the one who pulled him out. She had been put on a run when she witnessed the accident, she also happened to be an off duty police officer.

With the emergency services on the way, the neighbours helped divert the traffic. So many people were still trying to get through. With the motorcross bike in pieces and the car in an awkward position, there was no way anyone could get through.

9 minutes later the first response car came and I explained why I knew. It didn’t feel right to just leave things there given the chaos caused. I went over to the riders brother. He had been in front, his brother hadn’t followed so he came back and found the scene. I was trying to reassure him that his brother would be ok, truth was I had no idea. What can you say when there are no words?

While I was with the injured boy, he had started breather but his airways where blocked and he had a bloody nose, Prout to this the off duty police officer had removed his helmet while he was under the car. I was always told not to remove this but she was certain. It’s hard to know what to do in this situation. Everything you know goes out the window. It’s hard to know what’s for the best.

The road was cornered off and the police/forensics where there until 1am. It was hard to piece together. The driver didn’t see the bike as he turned, he seemed very shaken up and hadn’t been under the influence, the bikes were reported to be speeding but there are other impacts to.

I guess I may never know how it happened and I think I can accept that. What I would like to know is how the young guy is? I have to see what’s been updated on the local website, this is just really bugging me. He had started to have a sort of seizure when the ambulance had started to come, and the more movement, the more potential damage.

Looking back it all blends, I know what is what, but I don’t know what is what.

Now it’s just wait and see, I know deep down I did all I could in that situation even if it it doesn’t feel enough.

Fingers crossed he makes a full recovery only time will tell.

Thank you for reading I just needed to off load, there’s just no way to prepare for these things.

T x

Bad Sister By Sam Carrington

Hi all,
Sorry it’s been a while, I’ve been all over the place but I’ve still been reading! I’ve just finished Bad Sister. This book kept me guessing from start to finish and I would highly recommend it.
I brought this from my local Tesco, I often get two for this offer, no doubt another review soon. When I say I recommend this book I mean to people who like this genre. This isn’t a love story at all, it’s crime and full of unexpected twists and turns.
When flames rip through their family home, only teenager Stephanie and her younger brother escape unhurt. Brett always liked to play with fire, but now their dad is dead and someone has to pay the price.
Psychologist Connie Summers wants to help Stephanie rebuild her life. She has a new name, a young son and everything to live for. But when Stephanie receives a letter from someone she’d hoped would never find her, Connie is forced to question what really happened that night. But some truths are better left alone . . .
Gripping, tense and impossible to put down, Bad Sister will have fans of Sue Fortin, B A Paris and Linda Green hooked till the final page.
The chapters are short so it just made me read it twice as fast. The chapters flip from Connie, to DI Wade and to Brett. Both past and present, then and now.
This clever story kept me guessing the whole way though and I still didn’t see the end coming! I always love it when books surprise me in this way, just when I think there aren’t enough pages left for a big twist it’s revealed.
For a fast paced, gripping and tense tale this is definitely worth a read.
Thanks for reading
T x

Ever done this one?

Hi guys
I hope your all having a good weekend! I was just listening to a song that’s currently in the uk charts, Havana.
Now this is a really catchy song, one you want to try and sing along to. then realise you aren’t Spanish and have no actual idea what you’ve even trying to sing about that?
there’s been a few of these songs recently that have another language in them, I really like them! Only I’m a radio singer, being a radio singer is when you can’t actually sing very well, barely know the words and always sing behind the track.
Anyway I like to sing on the way to and from work in the car and when these songs come on I like to try and sing like a Latina goddess.
This does not happen but surely I’m not alone, when you do learn some of the words and sing the song, it gives you a different satisfaction to get foreign lyrics right.
How many of us do this?
Ever google the lyrics?
Watch the video and think yeah I can so do that?
I think it’s only natural, mines just a fantasy, I admire people who have the balls to perform and not seem to care. I know they do care, but to have that confidence to make music and sing must be amazing.
I’m just a happy car singer sharing my thought of the moment.
Thanks for reading
T x

Making a fairytale

Do you every think…what if the romantic films aren’t true, they don’t live happily ever after??
Of course they aren’t! That’s the point. It’s a film.
But what do these films do to us? How do they make us feel? Do we get our own happy endings?
I’ve been watching the mushy channel 5 Christmas films again. The one where two strangers meet in some questionable circumstances, and of course they ‘unexpectedly’ they fall in love. Just like that. Happy ever after, some films ever show you ‘one year later…’ just to remind you these perfect love stories must happen.
I’m happy as I am, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes though, those films just make me want the romance more. Like when I think about how much effort I had to put in to get into my relationship in the first place, I certainly wasn’t swept off my feet!
It’s not just the films that give us this hope, sometimes it’s what we see around us of what this perfect life should look like. I just wanted to be happy with someone who loves me. But that gets lost in everyday life I guess.
Do we settle for what we see as security and stability because it’s safer. Or do we chase after the fairytale that might not even be there?
I feel I’m forever trying to turn my security into a fairytale and just pushing it further away?
If it’s true what they say : if it’s mean to be it will happen
I guess I’ll find out soon enough
Thanks for reading
T x

Down and alone

Hey guys
I’m writing to you from a weird place today so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place.
Two years ago today I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have my tube removed. Needless to say it was an extremely hard, draining emotional day. It’s been a bumpy road since then.
I went through all the phases of will I ever have children, do I adopt, will the ivf work, what if it doesn’t ever happen… all the motions. This September I was due to start ivf. I decided to not go ahead because I wanted to just be me, not my who can’t have a baby, me who doesn’t deserve kids. Just me.
I must say it’s rather lonely sometimes. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes it’s what I need. What I’m trying to work out is, if I just want just one day, where I can remember the day I lost my baby, the day things changed, is that wrong??
I feel like it is to some, it’s a burden. people don’t know what to say. Yet they seem to know exactly what not to say and every day they regardlessly go on about trivial **** I couldn’t care less about.
So as per I bite my tongue and today I grieve in silence. Wrong or right… I guess it’s the only option right now.
Thanks for reading.
T x

The Questions

Ive recently started a new job.
I’m two weeks in and I’m going through what my old company called ‘the emotional cycle of change’. Anyway I’m struggling to adapt to it. I keep making silly mistakes, they may not be anything big but to me they are huge, I feel like everyone notices them and thinks bad of me. I know it’s probably not the truth yet in those moment I can’t see it any differently.
I keep questioning why I’m not taking it in.
Why don’t I know this already.
What if I can’t correct it.
What if I don’t pick it up and then end up with nothing.
It’s just an endless spiral of never ending questions. Maybe I’m just having a bad week and things will get better, that’s the most likely option, but maybe they won’t.
I’ve gone into the family business. Maybe that’s where the pressure comes from. I mean they haven’t said anything but I just feel this immense pressure to live up to high expectations. I can’t do things wrong, I shouldn’t do things wrong!
And then I do. I’ve looked into why I think I’m always wrong and there’s so many reasons. Childhood, previous jobs and my need to focus on the cons to make then pros. Ive got to accept I can’t change everything, and sometimes they go wrong .Truth is everyone makes mistakes but it’s learning from them.
And just like that, in one small post I can already feel better. I can stop eating myself up. I read something that I want to share below.
You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” — Albert Einstein
It made me thing. It is all just one big game. If I slip my focus while playing the game I’m going to loose. If no one else is worried about my mistakes, are they just worried about their own. I need to hold my cards to my chest and just take it as it is.
Thanks for reading my ramble
T x