When every way to turn point down, how do you get back up again?

So guys, this is where I’m at today. It’s one of them days where I’m weighting up so many different options.
I’m debating if I should say on my job, if I like my home and if I know what makes me happy. Truth is, I’m not sure anymore?!
I’m not sure what truly makes me happy, all I know is where I’m reading for example, In the current moment I forget about all my options, I just enjoy what’s coming next in a book, for example.
I think that’s why I’m stumped now, this isn’t a book is my real life and I don’t know what I want the next chapter to be.
All I know is that I need to stop and think about what I want and what will
Make me happy. Will I make the wrong decisions? Probably yes, I normally do. But how do I stop dwelling this time?
Im sure it seems simple from the outside, do what makes you happy. But how do you stop thinking about all the other people’s situations effect. It’s very hard to weight out the future before it happens, yet still I try for some reason.
I feel like I’m a dead end and need to hangs my future sometimes, but it’s also hard for me to when I worry about how it effects everyone else as well? It’s hard sometimes.
So yeah basically, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place! Do I need to be more aware or more selfish for my own happiness.
Which ways left and which ways right
T x
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My head song

When it’s wrong yeah it’s wrong but it feels so right,

because it’s you that I want holding me tonight,

and I don’t want to give up, let go and start again.

So I hold my head high and I pretend,

that I’m ok and it was just a game,

I’ll let you go, but you’ll never know!

And now your gone and I miss your name.

I can’t keep banging my head against this wall.

I’ve left a mark and it’s starting to get sore.

I wish you knew what you do to me

But with your eyes closed you’ll never see.

I’m aware this makes no sense if you can’t hear the tune in my head.

Thanks for reading

T x

If your always the go to who do you go to?

Hi all
Just a quick thought of the day while I’m in the moment.
Ever find yourself being that person that everyone can talk to? The one that adapts each person individually and helps them through their problem? The one that listens to everyone and works out how to make them feel better? The one who’s always got a minute spare for everyone else?
At home we never have a moments peace, we constantly have someone coming round to share their problems. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind, I like to help others. Sometimes we would just like some quality time. I think that we don’t get this time together because we’ve always got people around.
At work I have around 50 colleagues, each as weird and wonderful as each other, they won’t mind me saying that. Anyway because I know my colleagues I know when they are upset or having problems. I never turn them down and I’ve always got a minute spare. I help colleagues through many circumstances and sometimes this can be hard. It can be difficult to get the work life balance at times.
So when I get home and this cycle continues, it eventually gets too much.
I mean, where do we go when we have problems? Who do we turn to? If your always the go to then who do you go to?
T x

The kind words of others

Morning all,
Yesterday I had a really positive experience so decided to write about it today. It all started yesterday morning when I was watching a live debate about how ivf should be cut from the NHS to save others instead.
This is obviously a very controversial topic, one which I can relate to first hand. After 4 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy I found my self infertile. This was huge for me, all I ever wanted was a family and I had a doctor telling me that naturally this wasn't ever going to happen. All my hopes and dreams smashed in front of me. I was left wondering if I could even cope with ivf.
We had our first ivf appointment a few weeks ago and have our nurse planning appointment in September. We have to pay to go private for this treatment, costing around £6000. If it wasn't for my parents I doubt this would become a reality. The sad truth of it is, we can't all afford to do things this way.
In my view why should we paid for something other people can have so carefree. I'm not entitled to ivf on the NHS because my partner has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Is his daughter automatically mine? No of course not but this is how it's seen by the NHS.
For me this already makes the process unfair let alone the other contributing factors. On the debate they were saying how infertility is not an illness and that you don't have to have children so why should you automatically be entitled to free treatment. It was as clear day that this woman was fertile!
After watching this programme I found myself feeling disheartened again because it feels like the process and this cycle will never end. I decided I would tweet my angry opinion on this. To my surprise I had a message pop up from an old friend I haven't seen in more than ten years.
She told me how she had her 3 on the NHS and they all failed, she had her 4th privately and this resulted in a miscarriage. I instantly felt like I wasn't on my own anymore. It's sad but true that others experience can bring you back to the real word.
We chatted for a few hours about how friends don't understand and don't say anything, about how it seems like a taboo to talk about it, and we both couldn't believe how many people are still in the dark about our treatments. If people don't understand they automatically judge without knowing circumstance.
If it fair to stop giving people the gift of life? Is it wrong to do it on the NHS when we will end up going private anyway? My friend would have spend £24,000 already for nothing! I'm glad she reached out to me so that we can now help each other through this rollercoaster. Others kindness amazes me. On a day where I was angry, wound up and feeling that I had lost all hope. A bit of light came in to help me through. Her words of kindness and her caring helped me more than she will ever know.
The programme was suggesting we should save lives rather than giving it, I understand where they are coming from with this but let's not just pretend the NHS only save lives. They also treat the alcohol and drug addicts, the down and outs. Day in day out. That's a waste of money. Not giving someone something they may never have anyway.
My final thing to say is… we do not choose to be this way. We are just gods unlucky few.
Thanks for reading
T x

Decisions, decisions.

Which ever way I look it,
it all comes down to a decision.
Sometimes I wish I could just decide,
right there and then.
What’s right and what’s wrong?
For me, I seem to debate with myself a lot about the pros and cons of any decision,
in any situation. I feel myself bad just by thinking of an outcome. I admire people who are able to quickly think it’s as simple as a to b, rather than why a to b!
I wish I was more resilient. It’s like the angel and devil are sat on my shoulders all the time, they have been for years. What’s right? what’s important? How should I think? Am I doing this right? It’s always questions and decisions.
As I write this now I think. Maybe if I stop asking the questions the decisions will disappear. Impulse.
T x

Post holiday 

Today we came back from our summer holiday. As it was my step daughters birthday we all took the week off and went down to South Wales. We stayed at a haven park and it was brilliant. We all had such a good week and traditional family holiday. 

We did activities such as water walking, aqua gets, turbo paddlers, natural bracelets and lots of pool activity on our giant inflatable watermelon. 

For my partner and 1 this was our last family holiday with his daughter before we try the ivf. We have been open and honest with lily and about the process we have to go through. Right or wrong I try not to shelter her from so much. 

She sees the news and knows what’s going on in the world. Whick makes me think that  it may prepare her for the world we are growing up in. If she knows about these things now she can choose what she believes is right or wrong. 
Anyway back to holiday! We stayed in a safari tent! This is a semi permanent tent with a double bed, single bed and a bunk bed. There was plenty of space. Semi permanent kitchen so there was water and electric. It did get to me though when on the second day, my step daughter complained there was no wifi so she couldn’t do much on her phone. 

You may think it wrong that she has a phone at 8. However one evening I went to work and her dad had fainted and was really unwell and she needed to call. 

Anyway the safari ent was amazing we all loved every minute of our holiday. I’m going to update more when I wake up. Then I will be refreshed enough to make sure what I’ve wrote make sense now. 

Today

hi all
sorry its been a while, things have been slightly hectic lately. Works been unreal its been so hard to switch off and ever get anything done. I’m on holiday this week though so its time for some real quality time, living in the moment.
this is something ive promised to do more . I really want to practice in mindfulness. My colleague taught me how to self hypnosis the other day and I was genuinely in awe. he is a very wise man, its been sad to loose him from my team this week.
I really have let myself down by not sticking to my blogging .i was able to give up smoking for 4 months and I have stuck to my diet for the past two. Only a stone so far but its got to be a start.
This week has been a week of different lessons. I learnt I need to control my self and my mind more and not fear losing control because I seem more than likely to do it.
I learnt the more open with my step daughter and just let me be and if she wants to just chill and have a cuddle then that’s what we will do. its not that we don’t, its just she’s not mine, but it doesn’t mean I cant treat her as if she was. I know I already do, yet sometimes with step children it can be really difficult. I know I was a difficult step child and I don’t want us to have the same relationship.
I know this is only a random little post but its one of then nights I cant seem to switch off and I want to reflect on things. Its one of them weeks where I have seen our country come together and unite again. this is what keeps me believing and gives me faith that together we can stop this hate. my thoughts are truly with the victims of the Grenfell towers this week.
Every Action has an opposite and equal reaction.
T x

Three girls

Hi all
Sorry its been a while I’ve been super busy at work recently. I wanted to take about a 3 part drama I watched this week. its available on BBC I player on catch up.
This series shows the journey of teenage girls in Rochdale who have been groomed by a group of men. The first episode shows how these girls make friends with a new girl called Holly. Holly is 14 and hasn’t had much of a social life previously so for her she just wants to go out with her mates. Her new friends take her to a kebab shop where they all get free food and vodka. The gang is led by Amber who claims one of the guys Tariq ,is her boyfriend.
At first Holly sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle choice to drink a lot at a young age, in the end she does it to cope. One day of the men, who is the leader, Daddy, asks holly when he’s going to get sex. This is where it all goes wrong. After he rapes Holly he then threatens to kill her. Amber says to Holly its just what we have to do, Ambers younger sister ruby 13 who has learning difficulties was also a victim.
After ‘Daddy’ forces holly and amber into a car he then makes it clear if they say anything or don’t play along, he will kill them. With this hanging over the girls heads they continue to do what’s expected of them. The girls are forced to sleep with many different men and Amber was made to collect the money for doing so. With the girls stuck in this endless cycle, Holly almost things she finds her way out. One day when holly snaps and smashes the window in the shop, the men report her to the police. Holly explains about the rape and yet the police do nothing.
Sara is the local worker at the sexual health clinic. Sara is concerned for the girls safety and believes she knows what’s going on. She made an appeal to the police to try and get them to stop what was happening to the girls but they wouldn’t listen to her. At 15 Holly was pregnant and had a daughter called Ella, she didn’t know who the father was. At 13 Ruby got pregnant and had a termination. Ruby told Sara about the abortion, who tipped off the police in hope it may be the evidence they needed to put this gang to an end. Even with the foetus as proof of DNA, they still didn’t take the case any further.
This was very hard for the girls and Sara to come to turns with. After holly went to the police the first time and had no luck she assumed this would be the same if she ever tried again. It was Sara who sat with her and wrote out her statement and then took  it to the police. Only for No Further Action Again. The case in this story was huge, there were over 47 girls who had the same claims but each time has been let down for one reason or another.
15 months after Holly had her baby the case was reopened. The former detective constable, Maggie Oliver, was asked to review the case as she had been on previous cases like this before. The man who was head of the greater Manchester police agreed to open the case, but they now needed to re-appeal to the girls who were involved, girls who in had been let down again and again by the police. As you can imagine this case was huge, it was young white minors and older Pakistani  men. It was very controversial when it all came to a head. Holly and Ruby didn’t want to go to court, after they had been let down before. The other issue in the case was that amber was not to be treated the same as her sister and friend. Amber was classed as a vulnerable witness and therefore she could potentially jeopardise the case.
Maggie and Sara were able to get holly and ruby to appear via video link to give evidence and for the cross examination. This was extremely hard for the girls, they faced 9 different barristers cross examining them on everything. In the end the jury did return the verdict as GUILTY. All men were found guilty because on sex with a child and various other charge for the planning of how they orchestrated.
Holly and Ruby got justice for everyone concerned, even if it was years later. Amber, however was not classed as the same as the other two victims when I believe she should have been. Amber was classed as a co-conspirator to the case because the girls where doing it through and via Amber. Amber collected the money but never profited she had to give the money to her boyfriend Tariq. I think amber was doing what she had to do to not get beaten herself. When holly said she was going home and she couldn’t keep being forced to have sex with strangers and cope by consuming alcohol, Amber let her go I think she respected her decision.
I know this is a long way of telling the story, and I may have recalled parts wrong. but I really wanted to share this with you because it doesn’t sit right with me. How do we let this happen today in our country, who is meant to stop this, how can I stop this from happening again.
The truth is there probably isn’t a lot I can do personally. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to though, and I really do want to do something to prevent others from going through this. But this didn’t happen in my area, and how can I find out how to help others?
I highly recommend this to anyone who likes to see the unfair systems we have.
T x

 

 

My best friends gone away 

My best friends gone away 

I don’t know why she couldn’t stay

I don’t know where she’s gone 

I don’t know if she’s going to say. 
I want to talk to her.

And ask her why 

She didn’t come to me 

She didn’t even try 
Why couldn’t I help you 

What should I do 

There’s a huge part of me missing 

And believe it or not it’s you. 

The waiting room 

The waiting room, what a dreary place. I’ve come to the doctors for a medication review and to see what steps I need to take next. My head just won’t be quite it just won’t stop today. 

I’m looking around me and listening and I don’t think I want to listen to this conversation much more. New born babies. Really?! We can see you have a  new baby and I don’t need to listen to your labour from twenty years ago and I certainly don’t need to know about your friends labour either! What a drag?! 

I guess this only annoys me so much because of my personal situation. Because I can’t have children, everything about children or babies seems to annoy me if I’m having a bad day. 

Today seems to be a bad day but then again I suppose it’s got to be about two weeks of bad days hence why I’m at the doctors again. The pressure of work is just killing me at the moment and I just don’t seem to stop at all. After my 2am start yesterday I just had to crash when I got home. I’m in a stage where all I want to do is sleep and I’m not functioning today.  

I know there’s a way back up to being consistent again and feeling like me again.  I just can’t see it today.

The waiting room just seems even more depressing than normal today. Maybe because one of my old bullies is in here to talking crap and pretending she’s better than she is because she’s talking to a well to do lady. It’s funny how she’s changed herself now. If she had been a bit more aware of different people back in the day maybe we would have got along, who knows. This isn’t one I’ll dwell on it’s just typical. 

So this is just my waiting room rant let me know if you’ve ever been to a happy one? 

Thanks for reading 

T x