Post holiday 

Today we came back from our summer holiday. As it was my step daughters birthday we all took the week off and went down to South Wales. We stayed at a haven park and it was brilliant. We all had such a good week and traditional family holiday. 

We did activities such as water walking, aqua gets, turbo paddlers, natural bracelets and lots of pool activity on our giant inflatable watermelon. 

For my partner and 1 this was our last family holiday with his daughter before we try the ivf. We have been open and honest with lily and about the process we have to go through. Right or wrong I try not to shelter her from so much. 

She sees the news and knows what’s going on in the world. Whick makes me think that  it may prepare her for the world we are growing up in. If she knows about these things now she can choose what she believes is right or wrong. 
Anyway back to holiday! We stayed in a safari tent! This is a semi permanent tent with a double bed, single bed and a bunk bed. There was plenty of space. Semi permanent kitchen so there was water and electric. It did get to me though when on the second day, my step daughter complained there was no wifi so she couldn’t do much on her phone. 

You may think it wrong that she has a phone at 8. However one evening I went to work and her dad had fainted and was really unwell and she needed to call. 

Anyway the safari ent was amazing we all loved every minute of our holiday. I’m going to update more when I wake up. Then I will be refreshed enough to make sure what I’ve wrote make sense now. 

Today

hi all
sorry its been a while, things have been slightly hectic lately. Works been unreal its been so hard to switch off and ever get anything done. I’m on holiday this week though so its time for some real quality time, living in the moment.
this is something ive promised to do more . I really want to practice in mindfulness. My colleague taught me how to self hypnosis the other day and I was genuinely in awe. he is a very wise man, its been sad to loose him from my team this week.
I really have let myself down by not sticking to my blogging .i was able to give up smoking for 4 months and I have stuck to my diet for the past two. Only a stone so far but its got to be a start.
This week has been a week of different lessons. I learnt I need to control my self and my mind more and not fear losing control because I seem more than likely to do it.
I learnt the more open with my step daughter and just let me be and if she wants to just chill and have a cuddle then that’s what we will do. its not that we don’t, its just she’s not mine, but it doesn’t mean I cant treat her as if she was. I know I already do, yet sometimes with step children it can be really difficult. I know I was a difficult step child and I don’t want us to have the same relationship.
I know this is only a random little post but its one of then nights I cant seem to switch off and I want to reflect on things. Its one of them weeks where I have seen our country come together and unite again. this is what keeps me believing and gives me faith that together we can stop this hate. my thoughts are truly with the victims of the Grenfell towers this week.
Every Action has an opposite and equal reaction.
T x

Three girls

Hi all
Sorry its been a while I’ve been super busy at work recently. I wanted to take about a 3 part drama I watched this week. its available on BBC I player on catch up.
This series shows the journey of teenage girls in Rochdale who have been groomed by a group of men. The first episode shows how these girls make friends with a new girl called Holly. Holly is 14 and hasn’t had much of a social life previously so for her she just wants to go out with her mates. Her new friends take her to a kebab shop where they all get free food and vodka. The gang is led by Amber who claims one of the guys Tariq ,is her boyfriend.
At first Holly sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle choice to drink a lot at a young age, in the end she does it to cope. One day of the men, who is the leader, Daddy, asks holly when he’s going to get sex. This is where it all goes wrong. After he rapes Holly he then threatens to kill her. Amber says to Holly its just what we have to do, Ambers younger sister ruby 13 who has learning difficulties was also a victim.
After ‘Daddy’ forces holly and amber into a car he then makes it clear if they say anything or don’t play along, he will kill them. With this hanging over the girls heads they continue to do what’s expected of them. The girls are forced to sleep with many different men and Amber was made to collect the money for doing so. With the girls stuck in this endless cycle, Holly almost things she finds her way out. One day when holly snaps and smashes the window in the shop, the men report her to the police. Holly explains about the rape and yet the police do nothing.
Sara is the local worker at the sexual health clinic. Sara is concerned for the girls safety and believes she knows what’s going on. She made an appeal to the police to try and get them to stop what was happening to the girls but they wouldn’t listen to her. At 15 Holly was pregnant and had a daughter called Ella, she didn’t know who the father was. At 13 Ruby got pregnant and had a termination. Ruby told Sara about the abortion, who tipped off the police in hope it may be the evidence they needed to put this gang to an end. Even with the foetus as proof of DNA, they still didn’t take the case any further.
This was very hard for the girls and Sara to come to turns with. After holly went to the police the first time and had no luck she assumed this would be the same if she ever tried again. It was Sara who sat with her and wrote out her statement and then took  it to the police. Only for No Further Action Again. The case in this story was huge, there were over 47 girls who had the same claims but each time has been let down for one reason or another.
15 months after Holly had her baby the case was reopened. The former detective constable, Maggie Oliver, was asked to review the case as she had been on previous cases like this before. The man who was head of the greater Manchester police agreed to open the case, but they now needed to re-appeal to the girls who were involved, girls who in had been let down again and again by the police. As you can imagine this case was huge, it was young white minors and older Pakistani  men. It was very controversial when it all came to a head. Holly and Ruby didn’t want to go to court, after they had been let down before. The other issue in the case was that amber was not to be treated the same as her sister and friend. Amber was classed as a vulnerable witness and therefore she could potentially jeopardise the case.
Maggie and Sara were able to get holly and ruby to appear via video link to give evidence and for the cross examination. This was extremely hard for the girls, they faced 9 different barristers cross examining them on everything. In the end the jury did return the verdict as GUILTY. All men were found guilty because on sex with a child and various other charge for the planning of how they orchestrated.
Holly and Ruby got justice for everyone concerned, even if it was years later. Amber, however was not classed as the same as the other two victims when I believe she should have been. Amber was classed as a co-conspirator to the case because the girls where doing it through and via Amber. Amber collected the money but never profited she had to give the money to her boyfriend Tariq. I think amber was doing what she had to do to not get beaten herself. When holly said she was going home and she couldn’t keep being forced to have sex with strangers and cope by consuming alcohol, Amber let her go I think she respected her decision.
I know this is a long way of telling the story, and I may have recalled parts wrong. but I really wanted to share this with you because it doesn’t sit right with me. How do we let this happen today in our country, who is meant to stop this, how can I stop this from happening again.
The truth is there probably isn’t a lot I can do personally. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to though, and I really do want to do something to prevent others from going through this. But this didn’t happen in my area, and how can I find out how to help others?
I highly recommend this to anyone who likes to see the unfair systems we have.
T x

 

 

My best friends gone away 

My best friends gone away 

I don’t know why she couldn’t stay

I don’t know where she’s gone 

I don’t know if she’s going to say. 
I want to talk to her.

And ask her why 

She didn’t come to me 

She didn’t even try 
Why couldn’t I help you 

What should I do 

There’s a huge part of me missing 

And believe it or not it’s you. 

The waiting room 

The waiting room, what a dreary place. I’ve come to the doctors for a medication review and to see what steps I need to take next. My head just won’t be quite it just won’t stop today. 

I’m looking around me and listening and I don’t think I want to listen to this conversation much more. New born babies. Really?! We can see you have a  new baby and I don’t need to listen to your labour from twenty years ago and I certainly don’t need to know about your friends labour either! What a drag?! 

I guess this only annoys me so much because of my personal situation. Because I can’t have children, everything about children or babies seems to annoy me if I’m having a bad day. 

Today seems to be a bad day but then again I suppose it’s got to be about two weeks of bad days hence why I’m at the doctors again. The pressure of work is just killing me at the moment and I just don’t seem to stop at all. After my 2am start yesterday I just had to crash when I got home. I’m in a stage where all I want to do is sleep and I’m not functioning today.  

I know there’s a way back up to being consistent again and feeling like me again.  I just can’t see it today.

The waiting room just seems even more depressing than normal today. Maybe because one of my old bullies is in here to talking crap and pretending she’s better than she is because she’s talking to a well to do lady. It’s funny how she’s changed herself now. If she had been a bit more aware of different people back in the day maybe we would have got along, who knows. This isn’t one I’ll dwell on it’s just typical. 

So this is just my waiting room rant let me know if you’ve ever been to a happy one? 

Thanks for reading 

T x

When Endometriosis strikes back 

Hi all
So I’m not sure if I’ve said before but along with the infertility, I also have a condition called endometriosis or ‘endo’. This is a common hidden disease , it effects 1 in 10 women especially around their cycle time.
There is no cure for this disease, which means the same old thing will continue to happen. It can be eased by medication but nothing ever really make it go away, even after a hysterectomy there have been occasions of the build up still.
Mine was a long diagnosis and effected me in a few different ways. None of which made any sense to me. I just lived with these things even though it was a struggle I never though there would be a reason.
– Anger/Emotion – for reasons I can’t explain I used to get extremely angry if things weren’t right, I just seemed to have a really really low tolerance of things in the week before my cycle. anger was the one that got to me the most, when I threw a knife at my other half in an argument it was a good hint that something wasn’t right. I literally just felt possessed.
– Back pain – This was an absolute bugger! The pain was just always there like a dull low ache, nothing let me forget it was there completely. Before my cycle my whole back, mainly the lower, would spasm and feel really tight and restrained. It was a feeling that no matter how much I stretch and take pain relieve I know if I lie on the floor. I’m not getting back up any time soon.
– Moods – I was just unable to deliver anything consistently, one week I was up then the next I would be down. Again . these got worse prior to cycle. even when I knew it was coming I still, in that frame of mind, genuinely believed that it wasn’t me it was everyone else doing things wrong.
– Fatigue – constantly change in sleeping pattern, constantly going to sleep early or needing to nap more before my cycle. I noticed this more recently when my meds stopped.
I think because these symptoms seems to bizarre it can really be very hard to spot. For years and years my doctors treated me for different things.
-I was treated for depression and anxiety because of the way I was feeling, no one clicked on that this was linked into the timing of my cycle.
-I was treated by physiotherapy  for my Back pain- and a good old repeat prescription for ‘wehavenoideawhatswrong’ to help me through
-There was also the unexplained infertility. for this I was only taken seriously after I lost my 5th baby. My ectopic. For me I wanted to share this because if anyone out there is feeling there strange things and cant explain it… I get it.
My colleague at work was telling me all about the symptoms a few months back and they did seem similar, Jane was 48 though so at a different stage in her life. Everything she described just sounded so familiar, I remember explaining to Jane that if you has told me years ago I have this imbalance because of my hormone levels and such I may have thought you were crazy too.
Especially when I found one of the key things to help me was a contradictions, it just felt so strange. But I began taking the contraceptive pill despite never being able to conceive naturally. This just felt weird having always wanted children, the last thing I ever wanted to take was something to stop that. However given that naturally a cant conceive anyway it wasn’t an issue.
Never did I think the tablets would completely help balance my hormones, control the pain and make my cycle lighter when I did take my break. The trick was to take them back to back for 3 months to give myself and break.
Anyway the reason my endo has come back with vengeance is because for me to have my first pre ivf scan I have to go on the first day of my cycle. When I was taking the pill this was just when ever I decided to stop. However this wont give an accurate scan, as it will be however the pill decides to make my lining not how it naturally is. So I had to stop the pill to do this.
My point is I didn’t think I would slip back that easily yet I did. It can easily happen. So I’m now trying to use my mindfulness to help me through.
Just wanted to share this in case you think hang on that sounds like me. I saw Jane in town the other day and her first words to me where ‘ You know I was always having them problems? Well I have something called Endometriosis’ … Who could of predicted that.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you have been effected by this invisible pain monster please feel free to share.
T x

 

 

Good Crafty Friday 

Hi All

Happy Good Friday Everyone! Today We was up bright and early. I woke around 7. I got up and ready, then I Made my other half and his friend an omelete before work. Lily arose shortly after, She came down in her new outfit that she got the previous evening and said ‘I’m ready for our day of arts and crafts”. As cute as that was seeing her all dressed up and raring to go, sleep still in the corner of her eyes, there was no way I was going to let her paint in brand new clothes! Arts and craft lasted for about 1 hour and 30, she got a little restless after this though!!

1- Easter Finger Print Cards

We saw these on Pinterest before and thought why not? How cute and easy are these! All you need is yellow paint and a couple of sharpies – 1 orange and 1 black. I must admit I didn’t have orange sharpie so used paint and a not so thin brush for the beaks. I also used an old eyeliner for the feet and eyes too.


2- Painted glitter Pom Pom Easter rabbit sign!

I do love hobby craft! They have some really cool things to paint yourself. We decide to add bright colours and a googly eye to add a bit extra to our funny bunny! This will be perfect for our porch when nanny comes for dinner on Sunday!


3- Random Paint blowing! This was just a bit of fun. We decided to put blobs of paint onto a piece of card and then blow them with a straw. When the coloured started to connect we decided to make two small cards and use this as our background.

None of these bits take much effort. For me the most effort was when The paint water jar was spilt all over the table! These are just a few simple easy home crafts that are great for Easter.


After this we watched Inside out which I had never seen before. It was such a good film I really enjoyed it. I did try to hold back the tears at the end! Please note this may it have the same effect on you Im just having an emotional thinking week. Doing the arts and craft and watching the film with my step daughter really did keep my mind busy. I do believe that by doing things in the present it does help us to live more in the now.

When the film finished I then made some pepper,bacon and onion egg muffins. These are so simple and a great syn treat for my current slimming world diet phase.

We then cooked chicken fajitas with lots of peppers onions and veggies. I decided to do this with cous cous because again that just adds to be being syn free!

All in all a very very busy day. I must say this evening after my nap, I felt really content! Keeping occupied is a great help sometimes and we really enjoyed our day together again.

Thanks for reading

T x

I’m sorry it’s been a while! 

Hi all

I haven’t wrote in a while, and now I’m feeling guilty, I should have let myself have that time each day to express how I feel. I think if I don’t then it can sometimes life just takes over! However I don’t want to loose myself in myself. Tomrrow is a new day and my aunt is over from Hong Kong so I’m sure there will be plenty to write about after that visit. I will start trying more to keep my blog alive. I love reading other people but sometimes can’t find the words for my own. If only the inside of my head always a dictaphone! Although I’m sure some of it needs to stay there. Anyway. I’m off for now until tomrrow

Thanks for reading

T

My First Banoffee Pie in 10 Steps 

Hi all

I’ve said before how I’m not very domesticated but this is such a simple recipe even I did t go wrong! I made mine in a disposable round metal tray because it’s easier to take to places for friends to try!

What you’ll need 

Base 

250g of digestive biscuits

100g of melted butter 

Topping 

300ml of whipping cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 tablespoon of granulated sugar

1 teaspoon of chocolate dust

1 banana (to decorate)

Filling

4 bananas

1 tin of carnation caramel 

Step 1 – Crush your digestives in a mixing bowl, I used a wooden rolling pin to help me do this. A great way is to do this in a bag and smash with the rolling pin. (However me being me, I’m not that prepared and I forgot the bags…again.)

Step 2 – melt the butter either – in a small saucepan which takes generally less than a minute or the microwave again this doesn’t take long. Start with twenty second then add in ten seconds if needed. Once this is done add to the crushed biscuits and mix.

Step 3 – When you are happy that all the biscuit is covered, place into the base of your tin. Although I’m using disposable, you can also use a 20cm tin with a removable bottom. Flatten down as firmly and evenly as you can.

Step 4 – Place you base in the fridge while you chop the bananas. I used 4 and sliced then evenly at around 5mm wide. When I finished prepping the bananas I removed the base from the fridge again.

Step 5 – Place the banana slices on to the base starting from the outside working inwards. (Originally I put the caramel on first but this just made the biscuit stick to it too much)

Step 6- Add the caramel, carnation works straight from the tin! Cover the bananas evenly, add some more banana randomly and cover again. I had some banana left so just put this on top before the cream.

Step 7 -Whipping the cream. It may be simple to most but it’s something I’ve always struggled with. I put the cream into a mixing bowl with the granulated sugar and vanilla extract.

Step 8 – Whisk together for around 6 minutes. You have to do this until the cream starts to get thicker, this should hold on the whisk without running.  (This was like a full work out!)

Step 9 – Cover the top of the pie so far, with the whipped cream. For a final step simple on grated chocolate or a flake! I used cocoa powder to dust. I placed a heart template down then sprinkled around it. After I removed the template I filled he middle with a final layer of banana.

Step 10 – Chill in the fridge and …ENJOY


Digestives and icing 

‘Twas the night before Red Nose Day and

you could hear more than a mouse,

there was a noisy little girl in the house,

so we decided to bake biscuits

that were red pink and blue

They all looked so different

Just like me and you.

Hi all,

Today after school lily and I decided to decorate some biscuits. We were going to bake some ,but this way any we did wrong or didn’t like we could dispose of and not feel bad.

I remember that I used to do this in my brownies groups when I was younger. We used to use plain icing but coloured seems more fun! We used 200g of icing sugar and added 1 tablespoon of hot water then added some food colour gel, I find you get a better colour with the gel than normal colourings. When you’ve mixed all of this together simply spread onto the biscuits with the back of a spoon and decorate how you wish!

It’s really simple but is great for an easy afternoon activity. Will be good with Easter coming up to try and do some in different colours e.g. Yellow that look like 🐥 chicks.

Thanks for reading

T x.