Making a fairytale

Do you every think…what if the romantic films aren’t true, they don’t live happily ever after??
Of course they aren’t! That’s the point. It’s a film.
But what do these films do to us? How do they make us feel? Do we get our own happy endings?
I’ve been watching the mushy channel 5 Christmas films again. The one where two strangers meet in some questionable circumstances, and of course they ‘unexpectedly’ they fall in love. Just like that. Happy ever after, some films ever show you ‘one year later…’ just to remind you these perfect love stories must happen.
I’m happy as I am, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes though, those films just make me want the romance more. Like when I think about how much effort I had to put in to get into my relationship in the first place, I certainly wasn’t swept off my feet!
It’s not just the films that give us this hope, sometimes it’s what we see around us of what this perfect life should look like. I just wanted to be happy with someone who loves me. But that gets lost in everyday life I guess.
Do we settle for what we see as security and stability because it’s safer. Or do we chase after the fairytale that might not even be there?
I feel I’m forever trying to turn my security into a fairytale and just pushing it further away?
If it’s true what they say : if it’s mean to be it will happen
I guess I’ll find out soon enough
Thanks for reading
T x

Down and alone

Hey guys
I’m writing to you from a weird place today so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place.
Two years ago today I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have my tube removed. Needless to say it was an extremely hard, draining emotional day. It’s been a bumpy road since then.
I went through all the phases of will I ever have children, do I adopt, will the ivf work, what if it doesn’t ever happen… all the motions. This September I was due to start ivf. I decided to not go ahead because I wanted to just be me, not my who can’t have a baby, me who doesn’t deserve kids. Just me.
I must say it’s rather lonely sometimes. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes it’s what I need. What I’m trying to work out is, if I just want just one day, where I can remember the day I lost my baby, the day things changed, is that wrong??
I feel like it is to some, it’s a burden. people don’t know what to say. Yet they seem to know exactly what not to say and every day they regardlessly go on about trivial **** I couldn’t care less about.
So as per I bite my tongue and today I grieve in silence. Wrong or right… I guess it’s the only option right now.
Thanks for reading.
T x

The Questions

Ive recently started a new job.
I’m two weeks in and I’m going through what my old company called ‘the emotional cycle of change’. Anyway I’m struggling to adapt to it. I keep making silly mistakes, they may not be anything big but to me they are huge, I feel like everyone notices them and thinks bad of me. I know it’s probably not the truth yet in those moment I can’t see it any differently.
I keep questioning why I’m not taking it in.
Why don’t I know this already.
What if I can’t correct it.
What if I don’t pick it up and then end up with nothing.
It’s just an endless spiral of never ending questions. Maybe I’m just having a bad week and things will get better, that’s the most likely option, but maybe they won’t.
I’ve gone into the family business. Maybe that’s where the pressure comes from. I mean they haven’t said anything but I just feel this immense pressure to live up to high expectations. I can’t do things wrong, I shouldn’t do things wrong!
And then I do. I’ve looked into why I think I’m always wrong and there’s so many reasons. Childhood, previous jobs and my need to focus on the cons to make then pros. Ive got to accept I can’t change everything, and sometimes they go wrong .Truth is everyone makes mistakes but it’s learning from them.
And just like that, in one small post I can already feel better. I can stop eating myself up. I read something that I want to share below.
You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” — Albert Einstein
It made me thing. It is all just one big game. If I slip my focus while playing the game I’m going to loose. If no one else is worried about my mistakes, are they just worried about their own. I need to hold my cards to my chest and just take it as it is.
Thanks for reading my ramble
T x