I’m writing to you from a weird place today so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place.
Two years ago today I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have my tube removed. Needless to say it was an extremely hard, draining emotional day. It’s been a bumpy road since then.
I went through all the phases of will I ever have children, do I adopt, will the ivf work, what if it doesn’t ever happen… all the motions. This September I was due to start ivf. I decided to not go ahead because I wanted to just be me, not my who can’t have a baby, me who doesn’t deserve kids. Just me.
I must say it’s rather lonely sometimes. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes it’s what I need. What I’m trying to work out is, if I just want just one day, where I can remember the day I lost my baby, the day things changed, is that wrong??
I feel like it is to some, it’s a burden. people don’t know what to say. Yet they seem to know exactly what not to say and every day they regardlessly go on about trivial **** I couldn’t care less about.
So as per I bite my tongue and today I grieve in silence. Wrong or right… I guess it’s the only option right now.
Thanks for reading.
Ive recently started a new job.
I’m two weeks in and I’m going through what my old company called ‘the emotional cycle of change’. Anyway I’m struggling to adapt to it. I keep making silly mistakes, they may not be anything big but to me they are huge, I feel like everyone notices them and thinks bad of me. I know it’s probably not the truth yet in those moment I can’t see it any differently.
I keep questioning why I’m not taking it in.
Why don’t I know this already.
What if I can’t correct it.
What if I don’t pick it up and then end up with nothing.
It’s just an endless spiral of never ending questions. Maybe I’m just having a bad week and things will get better, that’s the most likely option, but maybe they won’t.
I’ve gone into the family business. Maybe that’s where the pressure comes from. I mean they haven’t said anything but I just feel this immense pressure to live up to high expectations. I can’t do things wrong, I shouldn’t do things wrong!
And then I do. I’ve looked into why I think I’m always wrong and there’s so many reasons. Childhood, previous jobs and my need to focus on the cons to make then pros. Ive got to accept I can’t change everything, and sometimes they go wrong .Truth is everyone makes mistakes but it’s learning from them.
And just like that, in one small post I can already feel better. I can stop eating myself up. I read something that I want to share below.
“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” — Albert Einstein
It made me thing. It is all just one big game. If I slip my focus while playing the game I’m going to loose. If no one else is worried about my mistakes, are they just worried about their own. I need to hold my cards to my chest and just take it as it is.
Thanks for reading my ramble