My head song

When it’s wrong yeah it’s wrong but it feels so right,

because it’s you that I want holding me tonight,

and I don’t want to give up, let go and start again.

So I hold my head high and I pretend,

that I’m ok and it was just a game,

I’ll let you go, but you’ll never know!

And now your gone and I miss your name.

I can’t keep banging my head against this wall.

I’ve left a mark and it’s starting to get sore.

I wish you knew what you do to me

But with your eyes closed you’ll never see.

I’m aware this makes no sense if you can’t hear the tune in my head.

Thanks for reading

T x

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If your always the go to who do you go to?

Hi all
Just a quick thought of the day while I’m in the moment.
Ever find yourself being that person that everyone can talk to? The one that adapts each person individually and helps them through their problem? The one that listens to everyone and works out how to make them feel better? The one who’s always got a minute spare for everyone else?
At home we never have a moments peace, we constantly have someone coming round to share their problems. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind, I like to help others. Sometimes we would just like some quality time. I think that we don’t get this time together because we’ve always got people around.
At work I have around 50 colleagues, each as weird and wonderful as each other, they won’t mind me saying that. Anyway because I know my colleagues I know when they are upset or having problems. I never turn them down and I’ve always got a minute spare. I help colleagues through many circumstances and sometimes this can be hard. It can be difficult to get the work life balance at times.
So when I get home and this cycle continues, it eventually gets too much.
I mean, where do we go when we have problems? Who do we turn to? If your always the go to then who do you go to?
T x

The kind words of others

Morning all,
Yesterday I had a really positive experience so decided to write about it today. It all started yesterday morning when I was watching a live debate about how ivf should be cut from the NHS to save others instead.
This is obviously a very controversial topic, one which I can relate to first hand. After 4 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy I found my self infertile. This was huge for me, all I ever wanted was a family and I had a doctor telling me that naturally this wasn't ever going to happen. All my hopes and dreams smashed in front of me. I was left wondering if I could even cope with ivf.
We had our first ivf appointment a few weeks ago and have our nurse planning appointment in September. We have to pay to go private for this treatment, costing around £6000. If it wasn't for my parents I doubt this would become a reality. The sad truth of it is, we can't all afford to do things this way.
In my view why should we paid for something other people can have so carefree. I'm not entitled to ivf on the NHS because my partner has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Is his daughter automatically mine? No of course not but this is how it's seen by the NHS.
For me this already makes the process unfair let alone the other contributing factors. On the debate they were saying how infertility is not an illness and that you don't have to have children so why should you automatically be entitled to free treatment. It was as clear day that this woman was fertile!
After watching this programme I found myself feeling disheartened again because it feels like the process and this cycle will never end. I decided I would tweet my angry opinion on this. To my surprise I had a message pop up from an old friend I haven't seen in more than ten years.
She told me how she had her 3 on the NHS and they all failed, she had her 4th privately and this resulted in a miscarriage. I instantly felt like I wasn't on my own anymore. It's sad but true that others experience can bring you back to the real word.
We chatted for a few hours about how friends don't understand and don't say anything, about how it seems like a taboo to talk about it, and we both couldn't believe how many people are still in the dark about our treatments. If people don't understand they automatically judge without knowing circumstance.
If it fair to stop giving people the gift of life? Is it wrong to do it on the NHS when we will end up going private anyway? My friend would have spend £24,000 already for nothing! I'm glad she reached out to me so that we can now help each other through this rollercoaster. Others kindness amazes me. On a day where I was angry, wound up and feeling that I had lost all hope. A bit of light came in to help me through. Her words of kindness and her caring helped me more than she will ever know.
The programme was suggesting we should save lives rather than giving it, I understand where they are coming from with this but let's not just pretend the NHS only save lives. They also treat the alcohol and drug addicts, the down and outs. Day in day out. That's a waste of money. Not giving someone something they may never have anyway.
My final thing to say is… we do not choose to be this way. We are just gods unlucky few.
Thanks for reading
T x

Decisions, decisions.

Which ever way I look it,
it all comes down to a decision.
Sometimes I wish I could just decide,
right there and then.
What’s right and what’s wrong?
For me, I seem to debate with myself a lot about the pros and cons of any decision,
in any situation. I feel myself bad just by thinking of an outcome. I admire people who are able to quickly think it’s as simple as a to b, rather than why a to b!
I wish I was more resilient. It’s like the angel and devil are sat on my shoulders all the time, they have been for years. What’s right? what’s important? How should I think? Am I doing this right? It’s always questions and decisions.
As I write this now I think. Maybe if I stop asking the questions the decisions will disappear. Impulse.
T x

THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR BY SHARI LAPENA

Hi All
It’s been a while! I’ve been busy studying and working recently but I finally got to catch up on a few books. This is one of he best I’ve read in a long time. It’s full of so many twists and turns. It just kept me guessing right up until the end, once you start you just can’t stop.
In this book a woman and her husband, ANNE and Marco, go to the neighbours dinner party, leaving 6 month old Cora at home. ANNE was against the idea to leave Cora in the first place but Marco persuaded her, this was on the agreement that they took it in turns to check Cora every half an hour.
This is going well throughout the night and the couple relax and have a few drinks with Cynthia and graham the neighbours. Anne starts to get anxious and wants to leave because Cynthia has been flirting with Marco. They argue and leave at one thirty leaving it an hour since they last checked.
When they returned home the front door was a jar, Cora was gone….
I can’t spoil this one too much! This story shows various possibilities of where Cora could have gone, and who could have taken her. It shows the struggle the parents face with the press and how it effected them.
There were so many twists and turns right up until the end. I can’t recommend this book enough.
Happy reading all!
Thanks for reading
T x