The other day, my son checked in with me again to understand the difference between my brain getting overwhelmed when shopping and my brain getting overwhelmed while working. He wanted to know if when shopping, I recover after a couple hours. He understands that if I push it while working, it can take me out of the game for a whole day. I appreciated he asking me because anything that takes the elephant out of the room is wonderful. But, I also understood that he asked me because I became so overwhelmed at the grocery store when we were shopping together, that he was concerned that my plans would be affected later that day. I’m grateful for his concern and his honest question because he understands how my life is impacted by my symptoms. I felt both seen and heard.
When I describe myself I don’t use adjectives that describe…
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Today I’m having a bad day. For months, it seems I can play pretend and muddle through. Some days, it’s not a problem at all but after trigger, after trigger, after trigger I just run myself down.
The last few months there have been three events where the devil has sat on my shoulder mainly shouting bitch and turning my eyes green.
The first was when I saw a post from a friend who has just had a baby early, she had had problems before but now her little boy is here, And all I think is that’s one more person who has the luck I don’t.
The second, another friend had her baby a few months back, she managed to just fall into the perfect family situation after 8 weeks with her new chap.
The third was my colleague, she’s been quite sick and had a lot of time off. She only started two months ago and she’s 3 months pregnant. Again not even been with her partner a year and bam…it really is as easy as lying on your back for some people. And while she’s mopping feeling sorry for herself, I want to shake her and say do you realise how many people would kill to have morning sickness!
Anyway, with all of the above, I found that I had to talk myself into being happy for them . That’s not normal right??
Im guessing this all links back into the amount of people, my age, having babies it’s left me with a decision and funny feeling (the only way I can describe this)
Do I need to freeze my eggs before they get to old?
How old is too old? I know this sounds strange as I’m only 27 but if times the one thing I’ve got…do I leave it to chance??
Will my eggs will be as good quality in three years (I’ve decided to go ivf when I’m 30)
Will it even work and what’s my plan b for if it doesn’t?
My question to anyone out there who is also cursed by this… when does it stop or will I always be silently bitter?
Thanks for reading my rant
I’m writing to you from a strange place at the moment.
It all started last night, and now I just can’t switch off. I came home from work a bit later than usual, I did a few emails when I got back, then I went to get I. The bath. This wasn’t my usual routine so the day felt strange anyway.
What happened next is what’s stuck to me. My partner was stood on the landing looking out the window, we were just talking and having a cuppa, next thing I hear that familiar crunching of metal. We looked outside and a car had a motor cyclist under it.
We ran outside and I rang the ambulance, while shouting for everyone to help move the car, the neighbours and bystanders helped lift the car to enable the boy to be removed. The First Lady there was the one who pulled him out. She had been put on a run when she witnessed the accident, she also happened to be an off duty police officer.
With the emergency services on the way, the neighbours helped divert the traffic. So many people were still trying to get through. With the motorcross bike in pieces and the car in an awkward position, there was no way anyone could get through.
9 minutes later the first response car came and I explained why I knew. It didn’t feel right to just leave things there given the chaos caused. I went over to the riders brother. He had been in front, his brother hadn’t followed so he came back and found the scene. I was trying to reassure him that his brother would be ok, truth was I had no idea. What can you say when there are no words?
While I was with the injured boy, he had started breather but his airways where blocked and he had a bloody nose, Prout to this the off duty police officer had removed his helmet while he was under the car. I was always told not to remove this but she was certain. It’s hard to know what to do in this situation. Everything you know goes out the window. It’s hard to know what’s for the best.
The road was cornered off and the police/forensics where there until 1am. It was hard to piece together. The driver didn’t see the bike as he turned, he seemed very shaken up and hadn’t been under the influence, the bikes were reported to be speeding but there are other impacts to.
I guess I may never know how it happened and I think I can accept that. What I would like to know is how the young guy is? I have to see what’s been updated on the local website, this is just really bugging me. He had started to have a sort of seizure when the ambulance had started to come, and the more movement, the more potential damage.
Looking back it all blends, I know what is what, but I don’t know what is what.
Now it’s just wait and see, I know deep down I did all I could in that situation even if it it doesn’t feel enough.
Fingers crossed he makes a full recovery only time will tell.
Thank you for reading I just needed to off load, there’s just no way to prepare for these things.