Ever done this one?

Hi guys
I hope your all having a good weekend! I was just listening to a song that’s currently in the uk charts, Havana.
Now this is a really catchy song, one you want to try and sing along to. then realise you aren’t Spanish and have no actual idea what you’ve even trying to sing about that?
there’s been a few of these songs recently that have another language in them, I really like them! Only I’m a radio singer, being a radio singer is when you can’t actually sing very well, barely know the words and always sing behind the track.
Anyway I like to sing on the way to and from work in the car and when these songs come on I like to try and sing like a Latina goddess.
This does not happen but surely I’m not alone, when you do learn some of the words and sing the song, it gives you a different satisfaction to get foreign lyrics right.
How many of us do this?
Ever google the lyrics?
Watch the video and think yeah I can so do that?
I think it’s only natural, mines just a fantasy, I admire people who have the balls to perform and not seem to care. I know they do care, but to have that confidence to make music and sing must be amazing.
I’m just a happy car singer sharing my thought of the moment.
Thanks for reading
T x

Making a fairytale

Do you every think…what if the romantic films aren’t true, they don’t live happily ever after??
Of course they aren’t! That’s the point. It’s a film.
But what do these films do to us? How do they make us feel? Do we get our own happy endings?
I’ve been watching the mushy channel 5 Christmas films again. The one where two strangers meet in some questionable circumstances, and of course they ‘unexpectedly’ they fall in love. Just like that. Happy ever after, some films ever show you ‘one year later…’ just to remind you these perfect love stories must happen.
I’m happy as I am, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes though, those films just make me want the romance more. Like when I think about how much effort I had to put in to get into my relationship in the first place, I certainly wasn’t swept off my feet!
It’s not just the films that give us this hope, sometimes it’s what we see around us of what this perfect life should look like. I just wanted to be happy with someone who loves me. But that gets lost in everyday life I guess.
Do we settle for what we see as security and stability because it’s safer. Or do we chase after the fairytale that might not even be there?
I feel I’m forever trying to turn my security into a fairytale and just pushing it further away?
If it’s true what they say : if it’s mean to be it will happen
I guess I’ll find out soon enough
Thanks for reading
T x

Down and alone

Hey guys
I’m writing to you from a weird place today so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place.
Two years ago today I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have my tube removed. Needless to say it was an extremely hard, draining emotional day. It’s been a bumpy road since then.
I went through all the phases of will I ever have children, do I adopt, will the ivf work, what if it doesn’t ever happen… all the motions. This September I was due to start ivf. I decided to not go ahead because I wanted to just be me, not my who can’t have a baby, me who doesn’t deserve kids. Just me.
I must say it’s rather lonely sometimes. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes it’s what I need. What I’m trying to work out is, if I just want just one day, where I can remember the day I lost my baby, the day things changed, is that wrong??
I feel like it is to some, it’s a burden. people don’t know what to say. Yet they seem to know exactly what not to say and every day they regardlessly go on about trivial **** I couldn’t care less about.
So as per I bite my tongue and today I grieve in silence. Wrong or right… I guess it’s the only option right now.
Thanks for reading.
T x

The Questions

Ive recently started a new job.
I’m two weeks in and I’m going through what my old company called ‘the emotional cycle of change’. Anyway I’m struggling to adapt to it. I keep making silly mistakes, they may not be anything big but to me they are huge, I feel like everyone notices them and thinks bad of me. I know it’s probably not the truth yet in those moment I can’t see it any differently.
I keep questioning why I’m not taking it in.
Why don’t I know this already.
What if I can’t correct it.
What if I don’t pick it up and then end up with nothing.
It’s just an endless spiral of never ending questions. Maybe I’m just having a bad week and things will get better, that’s the most likely option, but maybe they won’t.
I’ve gone into the family business. Maybe that’s where the pressure comes from. I mean they haven’t said anything but I just feel this immense pressure to live up to high expectations. I can’t do things wrong, I shouldn’t do things wrong!
And then I do. I’ve looked into why I think I’m always wrong and there’s so many reasons. Childhood, previous jobs and my need to focus on the cons to make then pros. Ive got to accept I can’t change everything, and sometimes they go wrong .Truth is everyone makes mistakes but it’s learning from them.
And just like that, in one small post I can already feel better. I can stop eating myself up. I read something that I want to share below.
You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” — Albert Einstein
It made me thing. It is all just one big game. If I slip my focus while playing the game I’m going to loose. If no one else is worried about my mistakes, are they just worried about their own. I need to hold my cards to my chest and just take it as it is.
Thanks for reading my ramble
T x

The Shed- My Den

My shed is my new spiritual den.
I found that recently I needed some peace and quiet where I can think, read and write. Im also learning about mind,body and spirit so I have a large collection of items that I want all together, where I can take it all in. My house is always busy, there’s always too many people here, I never get a moment quiet when I need it.
One day I was doing the gardening and went to get a rake from the shed. That’s when it hit me. Not the rake, although that hasn’t happened before, but the idea.
My shed was grubby and horrible and seemed a waste of space as we had two. So I asked my partner if I could turn it into my den. And that’s what I did.
I took everything out the shed, cleaned it from top to bottom, I painted the walls a bright lime green and Honestly it’s not as bad as it sounds. I then got my partner to lay some carpet for me. It was almost complete.
I wanted some old fashioned arm chairs for my den as well so I can sit and watch out the window. The other half grabbed a bargain 2 beautiful red and gold arm chairs for £20.
Finally I added my granny’s bureau as well. The perfect place to relax and just be me and do me things. When I walked in today, even though it was cold, I felt good straight away, the scents, the space, the comfort of it all just seemed to hit me all at once.
Sometimes we should be able to have time alone but can’t. For me I’ve just created a way for me to do that. My safe place.
Thanks for reading
T x

Inside these walls

Leaving and moving on is never easy but I really didn’t think it would be this hard. I thought I was stronger than I am. I thought I could handle the change.
I cant. I feel lost. Like a part of me is missing. I’m trying to keep myself busy to stop the tears from consuming me.
Nothing prepared me For the sick feeling, to the point of actually being unwell. I’m trying to just go around my normal evening pretending that everything is fine.
I’m taking on a new challenge that I’m not sure I’m ready for, I don’t know which way to turn, who to ask for advice.
So I continue and pretend I’m ok, but the front is killing me I need to let it out. To I rite a jumbled mess and try to explain how locked in I feel
T x

The Treatment by C.L.Taylor

Hey guys,
I can’t explain my excitement when I received this through the post last week. I was fortunate enough to win an early release from the author, Cally Taylor. I entered the competition as I have loved all of her other books so far, and I was not disappointed by this one either.
What a brilliant gripping thriller! This is absolutely perfect for its young adult audience. Bravo.
I have read the adult physiological trillers by C.L.taylor and they were really gripping the whole way through, they made you question things and how it worked . This YA debut its great I would highly recommend to a teenage audience. You really will be kept on the edge of your seat.
From the start of the story Drew Finch has had to think of her feet to try to save her brother. Mason has always been a troublesome teen and finds himself at a academy school, that reforms children who have repeated distributive behaviour. But How will he return?
I don’t want to give too much away about the actual storyline. The characters are really well thought out. I could picture each of them, and how they would have said things, the way people I knew at school would have been too. This book is full of twists and turns that will keep the audience guessing.
I think they will immediately form views of people and decide what they would so if it was them. This is a fantastic fiction for young adults and I feel you can still enjoy this book being a little older.
There’s so much I want to say about this book but really can’t with out giving it away. It’s out on 19th October you can pre order now from amazon :- https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B0728G98L9/
Thanks for reading. I don’t think I’ve done this justice but is a great ya fiction for all.
T x

Wave of light – Baby Loss Awareness

Tonight at 7pm I will be lighting my candle in memory of what could have been.
For all the people who have been unfortunate enough to go through baby loss or pregnancy related loss, you will know how hard it is to solider on. Tonight, take your time, open your heart and light your candle.
We are all different but all the same. Tonight we shine on through. This is to raise awareness around this somewhat taboo/private subject.
People expect you to just pick yourself up and move on. We know that it’s not always possible. We know that’s not really true, but what you’ve been through is. It’s real, it happens every day, to thousands of women. I truly believe we have an understanding some people may never get.
So tonight stand with me. Light your can’t at 7pm. Where ever you are. Carry this way around the world. We all hurt but tonight remember it’s okay. It’s okay to feel a way you can’t explain or don’t want to. Just quietly sit and think of your memories.
I remember my first year doing this and it’s one that I will always do. It allows me my private time to grieve for what I lost and what I can’t have, but also links me to so many other great people who are feeling the exact same.

Thanks for reading. I hope your with me this evening. We stand together
T x

The Escape by C.L.Taylor

Hey all,

I have read C.L.Taylors’ previous 3 books and this lived up to my expectations. This tense, disturbing physiological thriller will keep you guessing until the very end.
This book is about a woman called jo, whos world is turned upside down she fears for her daughters safety and no one will believe her. Her husband doesn’t and nor do the authorities. Jo has to do everything she can to keep her daughter safe.
Jo’s ordeal starts when she gives a stranger, Paula, stops jo to ask first r direction. Paula leaves her with a chill when she drops in her name and her daughters. Then Paula drops the bomb that Paula’s husband, max, has something belonging to her.
When jo turns up at the nursery to pick up Elise, her current frantic state raises alarm bells. The staff are worried about how she seems. Max refuses to report the incident to police.
Jo has to be assessed to check her state of mind and how she’s coping with her daughter . Suddenly her every move is under scrutiny. Hi tried to run from her problems to keep her daughter safe.
But is she really mad? Jo needs some time away and her dad is unwell, she goes back home to Ireland but can she really Escape?
And who really do behind everything she’s afraid of?
I absolutely loved this book. Praise to Cally Taylor once again. It’s written in two part and has short gripping chapters that just keep you turning the pages. I really enjoyed reading this because you could empathise with how Jo must have felt.
I recommend this to anyone who has read the previous books. Yes this one is just as good! To anyone who likes to work out why people do what they do, what’s made them the way the are, and why they react the way they do, this is also for you. If you like surprises and guessing what’s going to happen next, this is for you.
T x

The Trophy Child by Paula Daly

‘A doting mother or a pushy parent?
Karen bloom expects perfection. Her son, Ewan, has been something of a disappointment and she won’t be making the same mistake again with her beloved, talented child, Bronte.
Bronte’s every waking hour will be spent at music lessons and dance classes, doing extra schoolwork and whatever it takes to excel.
But as Karen pushes Bronte to the brink , the rest of the family crumbles. Karen’s husband, Noel, is losing himself in work, and his teenage daughter from his first marriage, Verity, is becoming even more volatile. The family is dangerously near breaking point.
Karen would know when to stop… wouldn’t she.’
When I first saw this book I wrongly judged it by its cover and assumed that it would just be about how the child felt, being pushed to hard and how she became overloaded. I was very wrong. I found this story easy to follow, gripping and alarming at the same time.
The story starts when Bronte goes missing. There is no way this perfect little girl could have ever gone off on her own accord, most definitely not. Karen loved her daughter didn’t she? that’s why she was pushing her. To make sure she could always achieve to the best of her ability, to give her the best opportunity in life to be the best, to make her daughter happy. Or that’s what she thought at least.
Bronte was struggling under the immense pressure from her mother that she was hurting, her sister verity could see that. But with Karen refusing to see she carried on regardless, yet what has that cost her now? It seemed there were more people who didn’t like karens way around things. As you will find out. This is a tale of love, loss and heartache but with a lot twists and turns on the way.
I makes you wonder and it makes you judge. We judge the whole way through, what if it was our child? do we push them to hard? what if it happened to me. but you couldn’t predict this turn of events.
Thanks for reading
T x